Monday, 21 May 2012

Fear Not, not Feel Not

Jasmine has begun her final week of proton beam radiation today and we're counting down!  We're all looking forward to going home, much as we like Boston.  I want to say we've enjoyed Boston, but am hesitant to do so - yet it's true - we have enjoyed Boston - sometimes.  We've felt joy, we've laughed, we've played, we've had fun.  We've also experienced gut wrenching grief, sadness, anxiety, despair and fear.  At times I've felt this whole experience devouring me, and other times I've felt uplifted by things that are shaping me and happening all around.  I see courage in the face of cancer in the very young, in the very elderly, in the faces of parents, in resilient teenagers, in the young couple just starting out in life, in the face of the man celebrating 10 years of marriage with a young family at home.  I've seen so many emotions fleetingly expressed on so many faces.  And I feel it too - a jumble of feelings all mixed up and if asked how I am, the answer could be so many things.  I answer "fine" because it's partially true but also because I have no idea how to express this feeling I feel - I don't know what it is.
I do know one thing though - God keeps reminding me to "fear not," not "feel not"  and there is a world of difference.

There is only one thing to cling to in all this journey and that is God.  I'm grateful that faith is a gift, that God is full of grace and love, that He carries me,  He really carries me.  But there is a part I must understand if I want the Lord to carry me now.  I must turn to Him and rely on Him, and TRUST Him.  I believe that He has a plan.  I believe that He works all things for our good.  I believe that though He sees and feels my pain, it isn't in vain.  I know that when I feel grief, He does, and when I am joyful, He celebrates with me.  I recently read the parable of the sower and was reminded of the need to be firmly planted otherwise I will be devoured, like those seeds that fall on stony ground, or grow amongst thorns and choke.  I have to plant my faith firmly and deeply in the Word of God.   And that way when He whispers "fear not" I can feel whatever I may have to, but can rely on the fact that I need have no fear.  I can dare to dream, dare to live fully and dare to believe but most of all, dare to be grateful for this journey and each day it brings.

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